Why Do We Fear Failure?
Recently I’ve been working on building a clothing brand. More than that I’ve been working on building a brand that reaches beyond clothes. It’s something I’ve been tinkering with for a while and I’ve really wanted to release something that carried a strong message. Something that I felt those I coached and trained could grow from. During my search for a brand name I dabbled with a bunch of different ideas and names, but kept coming back to using the word failure in my brand. First, I thought Fail Forward would be cool. I was excited about the idea and meaning and name, until I found out someone already had that name. So, from there I put out three more options; Forged by Failure, Edge of Greatness, and On the Brink. I found the feedback interesting. There was positive feedback on all my logo designs, but one common thing continued to present itself. “I wouldn’t want the word failure in my brand.” Why?
I’m genuinely curious as why we see failure as such a bad thing? Why is failure something we should avoid or hide from? Is it just something we’re taught from an early age, that we should never fail and that failing is bad? I wish I understood better why we are so afraid of failing. I’m sure there are many reasons that we fear failure, but I believe in order to fully become our best self we must fail. I’m going to throw a few things out there in an effort to sway those who still fear failure to seek it out instead.
First, we must understand what causes us to fear something. I recently watched a TED Talk by Trevor Ragan who speaks to four main triggers of fear: uncertainty, attention, change, and struggle. I found his talk incredible and if you get the chance check it out. But when looking at these four words and how they relate to failure it’s easy to see why we fear failure.
Uncertainty: When we fail, we’re often initially unsure as to why. In some cases it’s extremely uncertain as to the cause of our failure (not always, but this can be a trigger to our fear). I think more often we fear the uncertainty of overcoming our initial failure. We see failure as permanent or insurmountable instead of a part of the process. This creates a feeling of uncertainty as to whether or not we’ll ever truly succeed. That’s when fear creeps in, and instead of reaching and risking failure, we hold back playing it safe. However, to me this is the least likely reason we fear failure.
Attention: On the other hand the attention that often comes from failure is a big reason for our fear. Most people don’t fear a private failure, but they are deeply concerned of what others may think of their failure. A failure that’s made public, or in front of friends, or in the big game is terrifying. Nobody likes to lose and when we fail (lose) on a large scale or big stage it’s usually in front of others who’s opinion we care about. Conversely the attention that comes from being successful in that moment can cause fear as well, and that’s where people self sabotage. It’s a tricky balancing act, and one we must learn to find some level of comfort with in order to face our fear of success or failure.
However, I believe it’s because of our negative perception of failure that we fear the attention that comes from failing. As a kid growing up you didn’t care if you fell down while learning to walk. You got up and tried again. You didn’t care if you took several minutes trying to jam a square block into a round hole. If you were an athlete you probably didn’t care if you were out back pretending to take the final shot in the NBA finals and missed. However, you probably said you were fouled or going to overtime. But somewhere along the line we become embarrassed of our failures. We’re taught that failing is bad and that we fail because we’re somehow less or not good enough. Failing isn’t bad, failing teaches us what we must do next in order to succeed
Change: I believe this aspect of failure is pretty obvious. We don’t like failing because it signals to us that there is something we must change. Without choosing to make a change after we fail we will continue to fail. But change can be scary and often times any kind of change invokes feelings of fear. As an athlete we don’t like being told that the effort we’ve put into our craft isn’t good enough anymore and that we must change in order to continue to be successful. But all great athletes make changes to their game over the course of their careers. They find a way to put fear in the backseat and drive forward the changes necessary to succeed. We all must develop a growth mindset that sees change as growing not failing.
Struggle: As I mentioned above that failure forces us to change. We know that change is hard, which leads us to understand that we will soon struggle. This adds to the fear we feel when faced with failure. During Trevor Ragan’s talk he explains how the human mind is inherently lazy and given the choice between doing a difficult task or relaxing we choose relaxing. He does this by talking about choosing Netflix over research and writing, or choosing Chipotle over going to the grocery store and making a healthy dinner. We’re designed to avoid struggle, which makes facing our fears and taking on the changes necessary to overcome failure challenging.
As you can see when failure is present all four triggers of fear are present. Which is why failure is so scary for us. Failure creates uncertainty about ourself and our abilities and highlights a potential weakness within us. Often our failures are made public which adds to the embarrassment of not being good enough and leads to public shaming (if the failure happens on a big enough stage). This then puts attention on us. If we don’t care about feeling inadequate and the attention that comes with failure, it inevitably forces us to make a change, and as we all know change is hard and struggle is imminent. No matter how much I say don’t fear failure, you will always to some extent be afraid of not measuring up. Some part of failure will invoke a fear response. So, instead of not being afraid of failure, accept failure and the fear that accompanies it. Accept the fear and acknowledge it as being human and understand that failure is a totally normal part of learning and growing.
Unfortunately for us we will never be able to totally overcome fear. We’re wired to recognize threats and the fear we feel is designed to keep us safe. A thousand years ago this was great, because most threats could potentially kill us. Our fear response was designed to keep us alive; keep us from standing too close to the edge, jumping in the deep end when we don’t know how to swim, driving on the wrong side of the road, don’t pet the big animal with sharp teeth. But, there are things we perceive as threats that aren’t dangerous. Instead our fear stops us from potential learning opportunities. We have to learn to face certain fears. We have to learn to embrace the fact that we’re afraid and accept that it’s ok to be afraid and push on anyway. This is a skill that can be learned.
It all comes down to how we perceive our environment. The first step to removing the fear from failure is to change how we see failing. If we can acknowledge the triggers of fear that are associated with failure and change the way we see failure, it’s possible to move past our fears and embrace failure. Embrace each misstep as a checkpoint on the journey to success. Without stretching ourselves and facing failure we stop developing, we stop growing, we miss opportunities that could shape our future self. Don’t be fearless, instead accept fear, but refuse to let fear dictate what you do and where you go. Fail as often as you can until you no longer fear the uncertainty, attention, change, or struggle that comes next!
