Hey Coach: It's Not About You

I find myself in conversations about coaching a lot.  I think it’s a fascinating profession that has many incredible people doing an amazing job everyday.  However, we still hear and see stories of terrible coaches.  I often wonder why there are still bad coaches out there?  I think to myself that with all these resources how do we have coaches who still just don’t get it?  A lot of times especially at the youth level.  It’s hard to watch the kids that need the most coaching and teaching get stuck with people who don’t know how to do either.  It’s not entirely the coaches fault in that instance, they are volunteers that got stuck leading a team for a sport they never played because their kid is on the team and nobody else would step up.  This is topic for another time, but to be blunt and simple about it, if you had the chance to coach your kid and chose not to, keep your mouth shut if you don’t like what the coach who did step up is doing.  Anyway, back to why some coaches are good and others still need work.

First, I want to start with this little tidbit.  Is your coach not good because they don’t know the game or because they don’t know their team?  This is two completely different things.  There are a lot of really smart coaches out there that just don’t understand how to connect to people, how to motivate people, how to inspire and teach people.  There is a lot more than knowing your sport involved in coaching and teaching your sport.  You may know more than everyone in the room, but I promise you nobody cares.  There’s an old saying that I hear often in many different ways, but it goes something like this: “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”  This right here will always be the center of everything I do as a coach.

On day one my goal isn’t to show the kids how much I know.  Day one I want to try to start the process of getting to know my kids.  I want to know about their lives, I want to know their likes and dislikes, what drives them, and how much they love what they do.  I want to know if they have dreams of being more than they are in this moment or if they are happy just being a youth athlete, high school, college athlete, etc.  I want to know what shows they like, music they listen to, grades they get, what their family is like.  I want to share stories with them about how I became a coach, about my family.  I want them to see pictures of my kid, I want them to laugh at my failures and learning moments and feel at ease that I’m in this ride and here at this moment for them.  Everything I do is to let them know it’s about them not me.  My success doesn’t matter, their’s does.  I succeed when they do, not the other way around.

I think this is where a lot of coaches miss the mark.  They act as if the kid is letting them down when they lose or mess up.  I promise you coach, that kid didn’t want to fail in front of their friends, family, or you.  They didn’t go onto that field or court today saying, “you know what, today is a good day to suck.”  I don’t get mad at physical mistakes, I don’t scream and yell when a player or team comes up short or does poorly.  I know they already feel bad from a poor performance.  They know when they do good or bad.  Why would I want to pile on negative emotions?  Imagine you just had a terrible game, and your team lost, and you feel like it’s your fault.  Then your coach comes to the post-game team meeting and rips you apart for every mistake that was made.  Even if they’re not talking about just your mistakes, but team mistakes each one makes you feel smaller and more at fault.  

I’m sure there’s some coaches reading this thinking, well I’m just holding them accountable.  Accountability is important, setting standards and rules to abide by is critical.  Pointing out failure and short-comings in front of the team or through yelling isn’t accountability.  Failure is going to happen in sports, it’s our job to encourage failure and teach through failure.  Don’t make your athletes fear failing.  Make them accountable for bringing their gear, wearing the right uniform, showing up on time, giving quality effort everyday.  Don’t think that yelling at kids for their mistakes is accountability training, that’s you being an ass hole.

Also, post game loses are not the time to address mistakes.  They’re the time to let them know that despite the result you still love them.  That we will do better next time and the opportunity to improve is there.  Look into the eyes of your discouraged, angry, sad, emotional players and let them know that tomorrow there’s another game or opportunity to do better.  Let them know that one game isn’t going to define them.  All they can do is show up tomorrow and give their best effort and play with energy and love for the person next to them. As long as they continue to put forth their best effort and strive for greatness, improvement is possible.

I hate seeing coaches rip into teams after a loss like the team let them down.  Like because they didn’t win it was a damaging blow to their reputation.  The truth is the reason why some coaches succeed where others don’t is ego.  The smartest, better coach doesn’t always win in the moment, but the coach willing to burry their ego and that’s in it for the kid will always win the long game.  They will always win at influencing young people, shaping lives and inspiring long-term growth.  Wins and losses don’t matter, I promise looking back at their playing days as an adult they won’t remember their win-loss percentage or how many games the team won.  I know if my team was good or not, but I couldn’t tell you specific record.  I can tell you stories of inspiring coaching and bad coaching though.  I can tell you stories of good team chemistry and bad team chemistry.

I still remember coaching a game recently where the opposing team’s coach yelled from the dugout all game.  It was a big game, with a chance to make it to the championship game on the line.  It was also a great match up, closely contested and tight all game.  0-0 through 5, then a run scored in the 6th only to be tied back up again.  1-1 after 8.  What a game, I’m on my side loving every second, loving the energy, loving the tension, loving the emotion.  All while the other side was constantly getting ripped for an error, a strike out, missed bunt, everything.  Then in the top of the 9th we hit a couple home runs to take the lead.  As our team takes the field and the other team comes in to prepare to try to tie the game, the coach huddles up the team and reams them.  Every word out of his mouth was completely negative and expressing disappointment.  There was nothing disappointing about that team’s effort.  It was an incredible game, it just happened that on that day they didn’t get the win.

Bottom line is this, as a coach we have to burry our ego.  We have to stop taking everything personal and open our eyes to the possibility that there are many ways to skin the proverbial cat.  Find a way to enjoy every moment; the wins, the losses, the failures and the successes.  Stop trying to tell kids what to do, stop yelling from the dugout or sideline adjustments and let them play and figure it out on their own.  Coach them yes, but let them learn, let them play.  Inspire them to do more by showing that you love and care about them, not by making them fear you.  Fear may work for a minute, but you’ll lose respect over time, and eventually they’ll stop listening.  Make your players want to learn and play harder, and when success happens it’s not yours, it’s theirs.  But when failure happens that’s not their’s, it’s yours!